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Big Brother Buddy

Guest post: First impressions by @MissCleoBB14

Greetings fellow Hamsterwatchers! I wanted to make my contribution to the Big Brother preseason revelry by doing what I like to do most: pass judgment on a bunch of strangers and make jokes at their expense, just like I do on twitter (@MissCleoBB14)! Let's jump right in, shall we?

But first... I've broken down the new players into four categories: The Boobs, The Rubes, The Noobs, and The Shrewds, and I'll discuss them in order from least to most interesting, starting with:

The Boobs: Ashley, Danielle, and Kara
These three gems must have gotten lost on their way to the open call for The Bachelor and ended up on the CBS lot instead. Full of saccharine and silicone, these three are the most likely to disappoint and be disappointed to find out that they hand out keys at the nomination ceremony instead of roses.

Ashley this twenty-something recruit, who operates a mobile spray tan van (and sounds like she's inhaled a few too many fumes) looks like she drinks Coppertone right out of the bottle for breakfast and is the only HG whose blood has an SPF of 30. Full of contradictions, it's hard to take someone seriously who claims she doesn't want to do the "fake" thing, which is rich coming from someone whose job is driving around and making people look fake, one spray tan at a time. She would probably prefer to finish in third place, cause she's all about the bronze, and she wants everyone to think she's the dumb blonde. Well, call me convinced. I hope she didn't pack any purple jumpsuits, cause she could easily become this year's Porsche.

Danielle I'll make this quick, since the thought of her makes me sleepy. She says she wants to lay low in the beginning. Yawn - but ok. "Not until weeks 10 or 9, then I'll start coming out and winning". (OMFG WTF?) So stay tuned, folks, she'll be playing in about two and a half months from now. #FAIL

Kara more like "I don't Kara-bout you". She was a playboy bunny. So? She is a total Monet. Not the type of Monet as referenced in the movie Clueless, but as in BB12's Monet, or BB11's Laura. As in the token model who will most likely face eviction in week 2. Also likely to be the first one spotted in a bikini once the feeds are turned on.

The Rubes: Joe and Frank

Joe We don't know much about Joe, as he didn't appear in any preseason interviews. However, it sounds like he accidently sent in his audition video to CBS instead of FOX, and they have the show he hoped to be part of. And it may just be me, but from a brief glimpse of his YouTube videos, he's giving me this vibe:


Frank this Carrot Top/Shaun White doppelganger is full of fail potential. Yes, his "Dream Team" alliance strategy is Bra-gade redux. Convoluted sports analogies aside, if you actually listen to his explanation, here it is in a nutshell: I get four other people to do all the playing, and I just ride their coattails as long as possible. Dream Team? More like "In Your Dreams". He sees himself as a "super-competitive guy", yet he has no intention to compete, saying he wants to align with people he "can depend on to win HOH so I don't have to." I know, it's hard to pick up on those things in his interviews with all the facepalming you're doing.

The Noobs: Jenn, JoJo, Shane, and Wil
Finally, some people to get excited about. BB fans always say they want newbies, but these are the types of newbies that the fans hunger for and have become a rarity in recent seasons. These people are blissfully ignorant when it comes to Big Brother. They are the ones who aren't expecting to expect the unexpected. They're the drama creators, not the drama killers; the most likely to speak their minds without a filter and have genuine, spontaneous rather than calculated reactions to what happens in the house. They're also unfortunately the most likely to have an early target on their back, as their candor may be perceived by others as a liability or a threat, but hopefully the mentors will school them well in BB survival skills, and I hope they're fast learners.

Jenn she may be a recruit, but she's here to play. I like to think of her as this year's honey badger, and as we all know, honey badger don't give a shit. Her background is probably as interesting, diverse and colorful as the tattoos that adorn her body, and I expect her to be among the more authentic and candid newbies that BB has seen in several seasons.

JoJo this girl will make great TV. She doesn't know much about BB, and has an in-your-face, Real Housewives/Mob Wives personality and will probably clash with several HGs, particularly The Boobs. She'll keep it real, but will be the most likely to self-sabotage and quickly become a target for an early eviction. I like that she gives off a Gina Gershon in Showgirls vibe.

Shane our token white alpha male jock is a BB neophyte who was recruited, he wants us to believe, "because he was Cosmo's Mr. Vermont 2010". Well, now we know Robyn Kass 1) reads Cosmo; and 2) is 2 years behind on her issues (catch up, girl!). Of all the other Noobs, this one will probably do quite well in the physical competitions, and most likely will be the first male to appear on the I Hate Big Brother or DogDave nude sections.

Wil this Noob is another recruit who was selected as this season's token gay, and doesn't appear to be much of a fan favorite at this point. I see a lot of chatter about him being "weird" ...and? He admittedly has a bizarre collection of videos on his YouTube channel and an eccentric, flamboyant personality, but I want to be entertained on the feeds by someone who knows how to put on a show and make people laugh, and he probably can. The other HGs will likely gravitate toward him because he'll be amusing to watch and an antidote to the backyard boredom that happens when Brenchel isn't there to stage a pretend wedding or start a good old fashioned round of "Big Booty". He doesn't look like a physical threat, which combined with his apparent lack of BB knowledge will make him less likely to be an early target. He will likely bond with the females and older HGs, and I think the fans may be underestimating him. I hope his mentor is Britney, just so we may see this:


The Shrewds: Jodi, Willie, and Ian
These three are the ones who for one reason or another have the most potential to make smart, calculated moves that will have the biggest impact on the game if they play their cards right. They have come to the house with the most preparation, and are the most likely to have learned from the mistakes made by their predecessors and will play a far more disciplined, well-planned and strategic game than the others.

Jodi at first glance, she looked like Kalia 2.0 with the fashion-forward sensibility of Donna Reed. I anxiously ran to my nearest Trader Joes and stocked up on pita chips just in case, but I was relieved upon watching her interviews that this isn't the case. She has a very different background than the rest of the cast when it comes to her age, ethnicity (it's so wrong it's white), and her understanding of the game as a superfan. Best of all, she aims to "work hard for the live feeders" (yes!) and is totally anti-floater (Rachel Reilly "yaay!"). She's well-spoken, articulate, clearly has put a lot of thought into the game, and hopefully lives up to her goal of delivering the goods on the feeds. Her job as a server may come in handy, as she knows how to deal with annoying customers who complain - nod your head, smile, don't talk back, wait until you're out of sight, and then spit in their food before returning it to them…with a wicked, shit-eating grin.

Willie In the CBS reality TV world, you might be better off with a last name like bin Laden. The Hantz name conjures up images of Survivor's most notorious villain in history, and the HGs will (perhaps unfairly) want to evict him at the earliest opportunity by virtue of his bloodline. But this is a Hantz we're talking about. At Thanksgiving dinner, when the rest of us are talking about ordinary things like our jobs and our families, the Hantz family is strategizing - deciding which family member should be next to appear on reality TV and "revenge our family name" (his words, not mine). Rest assured, Willie has been coached by his brother for months, and he didn't come here to lose the game.

He's articulate, demonstrates a solid understanding of the game — he likely has learned well from the mistakes of his brethren, and he has been schooled on how to play this game and freely admits, in true Hantz fashion, "I don't have no integrity". He will be found out, no doubt, likely well before the feeds turn on. But he will also be among the first to form alliances early in the game and he'll probably be adept at manipulating the others. He will do well in physical comps and is an early favorite to win the first HOH (in part because of his physical ability but most likely because nearly everyone else plans to throw it), which will keep him safe and put him in a position of power to control the early dynamic of the game and influence the direction it takes. He may adopt his brother's Survivor strategy and align with The Boobs, but he should know by now not to follow in his brother's footsteps if he wants to win. He's here to play and came to win, will play hard and aggressively, and make good TV. Unfortunately, he's also the most likely beneficiary of this year's superpower when he finds himself in a vulnerable position, 'cause it wouldn't be BB without a little Grodnervention, right?

Ian If you're a fan of the 80s movie musical Little Shop of Horrors, you can appreciate the similarities between Ian and the main character, Seymour Krelborn. The physical similarities are uncanny, but so are their personalities. Like Seymour, Ian is an awkward, nebbish, shy nerd whose heart is in the right place and though well-intentioned, he'll cut a bitch, chop him up and feed it to his hungry plant if it gets in the way of what he wants. In the musical, there's a song entitled "The Meek Shall Inherit". It goes something like this:

They say the meek shall inherit
You know the book doesn't lie
It's not a question of merit
It's not demand and supply
They say the meek gonna get it
And you're a meek little guy

Ian is, after all, a meek little guy. He is young and endearingly naïve as well. He talked about being open to a showmance, which conjured up this image in my mind of the young, naïve but earnest Wormser in Revenge of the Nerds when he wanted to get freaky with some busty Omega "Moos". This is a nerd that America is going to root for. The Boobs will want to protect him, the olders HGs will want to mother him, and the alpha males won't consider him a threat because of his size and young age. Essentially, he won't have a target on his back until it's too late and he starts going on a winning streak in endurance comps and his photographic memory will serve him well in the mental comps that appear later in the game.

Ian has the opportunity to play the game Matt (BB12) could have played and should have used to win, but unlike Matt, I don't see him sabotaging himself with unnecessary lies and I don't think he'll get cocky and pull a move like Matt famously did the week he was evicted. (Yes, Matt, "perfect" game move, you big dummy)

They say the meek shall inherit
You know the book doesn't lie
It's not a question of merit
It's not demand and supply
You'll make a fortune, we swear it,
If on this fact you rely
You know the meek are gonna get what's comin' to 'em
By and by...

It's Ian's game to lose, really. And this may be the summer in which the meek shall inherit.

Overall Impressions
This cast has tremendous potential considering how different every HG is and how unlikely it will be for them all to mesh well and live together in harmony. That will make for great TV and lively, unpredictable action on the feeds. There are plenty of people who are genuine newbies, in the truest sense of the word, which is what the fans want. Best of all, there are no cast members from New Jersey! (I annoyed Robyn Kass on twitter over the past year imploring her not to cast anyone from NJ, so in my head I would like to pretend she actually listened and for that, I thank you).

As for the returning vets, they are almost unnecessary given the potential of the new cast, but their presence will only enhance the season. They are, in essence, the deus ex machina of BB14, placed in the house by production as a device to curtail any attempts by the HGs to float to the end of the game without stepping up and playing, which the fans will appreciate (much to the chagrin of those who were hoping to "lay low" for the first few weeks). How exactly they play into the game remains uncertain, but all will be revealed soon enough.

Thanks Hamsterwatchers! Follow me on twitter. Let the games (and the snark) begin!

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